About your Search

20120701
20120731
STATION
COM 58
LANGUAGE
English 58
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 58 (some duplicates have been removed)
, everybody! thank you for joining us. thank you all one and all. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that's the real deal. that is the real deal. that is the pure, uncut new york flake. folks i am as pumped as you are. my guest tonight is england's ambassador to the united states sir peter peter westmacott. he is in the dressing room right now, getting his banger mashed. i assume. he's here because the 2012 london olympic games start tomorrow. although with the time difference, it could be the day after tomorrow or last week. the point is, i am, will be, or have been thrilled. ( laughter ) i love the summer games. from track and field to diving to other sports america cares deeply about for two weeks every four years. i want to say ocean tennis or two-man bench curling, or whatever. it's not just the summer games. two years ago, colbert nation saved the vancouver olympics by sponsoring the american speedskating team who brought home the gold, two civillers and a bronze. not bad. unlike-- unlike the snowboarding team who brought home gold, two dime ba
, i don't. and he smells good. that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. we'll be here all week. here it is. your moment of zen. >> he will let the current tax relief expire, raising taxes >> stephen: tonight the olympics are coming. as excited as a 12-year-old chinese jim taft prepping to be scene. then the culture wars cofast food. from now dairy queen is dairy l.b.g.t. north korean dictator kim has married. the couple is registered at bed, bath, and enriched uranium. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome to the report, everybody! thank you for joining us. thank you all one and all. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that's the real deal. that is the real deal. that is the pure, uncut new york flake. folks i am as pumped as you are. my guest tonight is england's ambassador to the united states sir peter peter westmacott. he is in the dressing room right now, getting his banger mashed. i assume. he's here because the 2012 london olympic games start tomorrow. although wi
.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. here it is, your home of zen. >> so describe to us your work. what do you do down in this lab? >> well, we captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for coming. thank you so much. thank you, folks. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. please, please, folks, have a seat. folks, before we get started, a normally don't waste my time reporting on tinseltown but today there's shock news out of hollywood about one of my heroes, fred willard. (laughter) you know him from films like this is spinal tap, waiting for guffman and best in show, funny, funny guy. well, fred just got arrested at the tiki theatre, an x-rated movie house in los angeles with his pants down and i'm hoping like a tea towel on the seat. now i got two things to say here. first to the l.a. cops, you know i always stand by our boys in blue, but what are you doing? (laughter) what a
. >> stephen: tonight! is this summer's heat affecting us? i'll try to tell you before i pass out. [ laughter ] then nasa's planned mission to mars. after budget cuts, they now plan to rent "mission to mars." [ laughter ] and my guest james fallows has written a book about the chinese aerospace industry. which is actually our aerospace industry with misspelled subtitles. [ laughter ] a london newspaper says the olympics will open with 30 mary poppinses fighting a 40-foot voldemort. again???? [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] whoo! welcome to the show, everybody. thank you for joining us. please [crowd chanting stephen's name] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please, please, have a seat, everybody. thank you for join us. [cheers and applause] nation, welcome to the show. nation, i have to address a story right off the bean that i know my viewers will be very concerned about. i'm talking about a recent study at ohio state university which found that watching late night tv can cause d
decision has taken its toll on all of us on cable news. >> the excruciating waiting game may almost be over. any minute we could get a major decision from the supreme court. >> we could have a supreme court decision on the overhaul of health care any minute now. >> it's a 10:01 eastern time and change still waiting. >> it's 10:05 eastern time, we're still waiting. >> all right then. we're waiting. >> i know. >> this is a pregnant pause, ladies and gentlemen, i am waiting for something to come down from the supreme court. we're expecting it by now, it's 10:06. >> stephen: luckily as a fox business anchor stu varney has vast experience reporting absolutely no information. (laughter) of course we conservatives are confident that the court majority will rule in our favor. how confident? richard mourdock, indiana gop senate candidate and dark lord of the the wizard-- pretaped his reaction to the eventual ruling last thursday and accidentally posted his prefont on youtube. >> we have had our brief moment of celebration because the supreme court ruled that obamacare is, in fact, unconstitutional.
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night. i'm going to say this i don't care who hears me. rashida jones, charming individual, you heard me. i just said it and i don't care who knows it. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> been here 23 years. and it is a reminder, i've been leer when it was glory hole days and when it wasn't. and so having said that, i captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, pleasure to have you with us. welcome to the report. you guys over there, nation, the london olympics are finally under way. i tell threw is nothing like the thrill of seeing team u.s.a. triumph in an internethead line and then waiting to see it confirmed on nbc seven hours later. i mean the suspense. did the cameras capture what happened? did my cable go out? this is the sp sport report. (cheers and applause) captioning
. feed scalp. stop dandruff at the source. (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here it is, your moment of zen. >> i really don't want to be in a public eye anymore and feel a certain sense of liberation not being out there. >> you like it better? captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the "report," everybody! thank you for joining us! thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) wow! thank you so much. folks nation, you know years and billions of dollars our presidential election is going to come down to a few undecided voters in key swing states. the fate of our country now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register mcdonald's. (laughter) and one-- one of those key swing states is nevada where, since 1978 their presidential election ballot gives voters the option to choose "none of the above." (laughter)
opponents with truncheons, hosni mubarak. he's a u.s. ally. and it's time to bring him back. there's only one problem. >> this is cnn's breaking news. >> the state-run middle east news agency in cairo is now reporting that hosni mubarak is clinically dead. >> he has had a stroke. he has had a stroke in his heart. he's had a heart attack. his heart has stopped. he has been dead. he's been in a coma. >> he's ling to life. >> hosni mubarak is on the brink of death. >> today his supporters say he's been taken off a respirator and it doing much better. >> it just so happens that his friends here he's only mostly dead. >> stephen: yes, hosni is a friend and the fact that he was dead last week really has me worried about his health. ( laughter ) hosni, your people need you. stay strong. stiff upper lip. well, stiff everything. ( laughter ) nation, i never throw caution to the wind. it will whip back into your eyes and blind you. this is the threat-down. ( cheers and applause ) first up, folks, i've never cared for penguins. too much dark meat. but now, i have a new reason to be repelled by
to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you so much, everybody. please, heroes, have a seat. nation, last year, we were all swept up in the excitement of the arab spring. especially in egypt last february when young prodemocracy protesters filled cairo'sica tear square and ousted longtime strong man hosni mubarak. it was a traumatic time for egyptians and an even more traumatic time for the bathroom at the tahrir square party party. ( laughter ) now it's a complex situation so let me recap what has happened in egypt. 5,000 years ago, settlements in the valley united to form the first dynasty. then pyramids, cleopatra, blah, blah, blah, cut to last february. president mubarak steps down handing temporary power to the military. then in november, egyptians voted in their first free parliamentary elections, handing a strong majority to the conservative islamic muslim brotherhood. then there was a presidential election with 13 candidates that led to a runoff between the muslim brotherhood. egypt's top court appointed by mubarak dissolved parliament and claimed all legislative power for itsel
and applause) round of a plaus for the human anus. then, then that libor rate is used to set interest rates everywhere on earth. well, of course not everywhere. just places that use money. i believe emperor penguins on the roth ice shelf are not affected. now here's the wrinkle. the banks that determine libor also employ traders who make bets on what that rate will be. they're not supposed to talk to each other but you'll never guess what happened. >> traders at banks like barclays were essentially conspiring to fudge the data to boost their own trading profit. so one part of barclays would say to another part of barclays you can please submit data that makes us-- that either is high hooer or lower than it really is in order to boost our profits. >> stephen: now personally i don't see anything wrong with some work buddies doing each other a solid. you know the old saying, you scratch my back, i make the global financial system your bitch. it's all detailed it in e-mails between barclays traders and rate setters like please go for 5.36 libor again. very important that the setting comes as hi
," everybody! thank you for joining us! thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) wow! thank you so much. folks nation, you know years and billions of dollars our presidential election is going to come down to a few undecided voters in key swing states. the fate of our country now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register mcdonald's. (laughter) and one-- one of those key swing states is nevada where, since 1978 their presidential election ballot gives voters the option to choose "none of the above." (laughter) but now, folks, the nevada republican party has gone to court to have "none of the above" taken off the ballot because, as the "national journal" put it, in nevada none is a fearsome foe for the g.o.p. (laughter) that's right. nevada republicans are scared that "none of the above" could take votes from mitt romney. (laughter) and, folks, i tell you, i think they've got grounds here. remember, mitt's not tells us how he's going to fix the economy or what tax loopholes he's going to close or what his im
you with us. welcome to the report. you guys over there, nation, the london olympics are finally under way. i tell threw is nothing like the thrill of seeing team u.s.a. triumph in an internethead line and then waiting to see it confirmed on nbc seven hours later. i mean the suspense. did the cameras capture what happened? did my cable go out? this is the sp sport report. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> the sport report presents stephen-- coverage 012. >> stephen: folks there is one thing i have never understood about the olympics. for some reason they open the games with the halftime show. (laughter) i think it's metric. i don't know. well, after the chilling onslaught of the beijing opening ceremony, london had a tough act to follow. would the british people be as willing to spend their lives living in tiny boxes? (laughter) the director of the ceremony academy award winner danny boyle answered beijing's majesty with his salute to landscaping. (laughter) i did not know the british had so many mexicans. i tell you t is time to build a bridge in the chun
have no idea. folks, thank you so much. please, good to have i with us. folks, you have no idea what that kind of energy means to me. i just-- i just want to crawl into your lap and stroke your hair. ( laughter ). ( applause ) nation, the presidential election is only four months away. it is time for the candidates to put their money with their mouth is, and every other orifices because we're talking about a lot of money. especially on the republican side. just this past weekend, all the big g.o.p. donors were at deer valley resort in utah at the first national romney victory leadership retreat. you've got to respect that sort of confidence. ( laughter ). the man has not even officially been nominated yet, and he's celebrating victory. i can't wait for this weekend's mitt romney second inauguration ho-down and presidential library fund-raiser. ( cheers and applause ) the victory retreat was a reward for big donors who had contributed $50,000 or raised $250,000 for the campaign. no word yet on where mitt will host his small donors but given the number of them, i'm guessing the back of
d. they will play us out with throwdown. tenacious d! (cheers and applause) ♪ mosses came down from the hill ♪ ♪ holding the rules in his hand ♪ ♪ looked all around ♪ suddenly found ♪ no one was listening ♪ new it's time to throw down ♪ ♪ so throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ jesus turned water to wine ♪ ♪ the star in the sky was a sign ♪ ♪ they called him a liar ♪ you're not the messiah ♪ get out of the temple ♪ now it's time to throw down ♪ ♪ so throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, i have to tell you, folks, you just have no idea. folks, thank you so much. please, good to have i with us. folks, you have no idea what that kind of energy means to me. i just-- i just
to the best of us. just look at last week's colbert report book nook. all right, it is 11:05. we are waiting on the book. any moment i expect-- okay, and the book is just in, the book, it's a tale of two cities, classic charles dickens novel. let's get right to the story, folks. i've got it right here. here we go. it was the best of times-- there you have it, folks, breaking news from page 1. it was the best of times. now while we don't have all the information, there is clearly joy in one of these two cities. we don't know which two cities, could be minneapolis, st. paul, we're checking on that. once again our top story tonight, times are best, but could they get better under a romney presidency? we'll have more with our panel later. once again, the details are still emerging but all we know for sure right now is that it was the best of times. it was the worst-- oh. i have not been that embarrassed since i endorsed leo tolstoy's epic novel "war" of course, folks, the most shocking aspect of all of this is who stabbed us in the back. then provided coverage for our stab hole. jim. >> the pres
ain't know, and in case you ain't heard ♪ ♪ and if you want us to set it, just give me the word ♪ ♪ this one goes out to my soldiers that be flipping them birds ♪ ♪ to all my shorties wiggling and shaking they curves ♪ ♪ just make it clap... sa-da, sa-da, dip ♪ ♪ just make it clap ♪ ♪ everybody, just make it clap ♪ ♪ just make it clap ♪ spliff! ♪ come on, if youready, wewil'ing all night ♪ ♪ yo, make you feel good, make you feel right ♪ ♪ they'll be drunk off the... henny... wanna...fight ♪ ♪ what these women be wearing be fitting real tight ♪ ♪ we up in the club... huh... we outside... chill ♪ ♪ we bag a couple of women, then we bring 'em in inside ♪ ♪ shorty dodging and dipping, shorty trying to hide ♪ ♪ busy dodging a dude, because she wanna ride ♪ ♪ come on if you all ready to come to hustle y'all women ♪ ♪ comeon, wrestle and try to hassle and hustle y'all women ♪ ♪ come on, chew-chew, chew-chew, how we bubble y'all women ♪ ♪ comeon, dibble and dabble how we be loving y'all women ♪ ♪ come on, let'
s ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night, 11:00, zach galifanakis, will ferrell. they'll be here talkin talking t their new economics book. here it is, your moment of zen. >> if you've got a business. you didn't build that. >> watch it! hole captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: folks, you are an emotional defibrilator. nation, i know he's been in office for a few years now, but barack obama just doesn't seem american to me. ( laughter ). and you know what? mitt romney agrees with me. >> his whole philosophy is an upside down philosophy that does not comport with the american experience. it's a very strange and in some respects foreign to the american experience type of philosophy. >> stephen: yeah, he just-- he just seems foreign. and i couldn't figure out why, you know. maybe it was his weird middl
off the bat i want to thank some of you for joining us. (laughter) but only some. because some of you are not welcome at all. of course, i'm talking about los illegals which, of course, is spanish for mexican. (laughter) we are powerless against them, folks, thanks to the supreme court yesterday overturning arizona s.b.-1080, arizona's attempt to implement their own immigration policy in opposition to the current federal immigration policy of not having an immigration policy. (laughter) it was a 5-3 decision with elena kagan recusing herself and sonia sotomayor allowed to vote only after she showed her papers. (laughter) nation, nation, this decision is a disaster partly because it throws open our country's borders but mostly because mitt romney now has to express an opinion that might upset his pick voters. of course, it's great for obama, he's been pandering to latinos all year. what with last week offering to let young illegals stay and, of course, his shameful entrance at the state of the union. >> mr. speaker, the president of the united states! (playing "mexican hat dance") (lau
(cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night, matthew mcconaughey will be here. here it is, your moment of zen. >> what did your fellow pig friends say when you told them "i think i'm in love with this frog?" >> that i was in love with another species? what is the fascination with two species? >> stephen: tonight, fox news takes it to the next level. now they're fair, balanced and blazing buffalo. then, has partisanship gone too far? or should both sides come together to hate a third side? (laughter) and my guest, documentary filmmaker vikram gandhi got people to believe he was a prophet. big deal: i do that every night. (laughter) it's national vanilla ice cream day and if romney is elected it will go on for four more years. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: i like it! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody. good to have you with us. please have a seat. fo
with us. for reasons that i can't understand our elections have become all about who people like more. it's as if democracy is some kind of popularity contest. and i don't know why, but mitt romney has gotten this reputation as a guy who can't identify with the common man-- no matter how hard he fires them. (laughter) even republican speaker of the house and tandoori american john boehner (laughter) ... has bought this line of bull dookie that mitt's unlikable saying last month "the american people probably aren't going to fall in love with mitt romney." hey! love's overrated. it can be disappointing when i fades over time, but with mitt there's no magic fright the start. (laughter) besides there are plenty of examples of mitt connecting with regular folks. >> i drive a mustang and a pickup truck. anne drives a couple cadillacs. i'm not sure about these. they came from the 7-eleven. i'm learning to say y'all, i like gritz. strange things are happening to me. >> stephen: yes, strange things. thanks to the blue ferry he's becoming a real boy. (laughter) well, on monday mitch once and for al
you, please, sit down. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. it's great to be back, folks. spent the last two weeks off. i relaxed. gave the old moneymaker here some vitamin d. spent some quality time with my family, questioning the president's legitimacy. (laughter) but vacation is over. hold on one second, okay. (laughter) folks, i'm back. and not-- it's not a moment too soon. because apparently america just can't keep it together without me. i go away for two weeks, two weeks and everything falls apart. i'm talking of course about the tragic end of the story book romance of tom cruise and wife unit 55-b katie holmes. what happened? their marriage had everything, fame, glamor, a publicist. how did it go wrong. katie what are you thinking. may i remind you tom is an ot7 at least. where else are you going to find a superfit 50-year-old who loves cooking, long wuntion the beach and uses the text to create new sps and create better realities. good luck finding one of those on j-date. girlfriend, you are walking into one nasty whole track overwhelm. and pardon my saying so bu
you with us. thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: folks, you are an emotional defibrilator. nation, i know he's been in office for a few years now, but barack obama just doesn't seem american to me. ( laughter ). and you know what? mitt romney agrees with me. >> his whole philosophy is an upside down philosophy that does not comport with the american experience. it's a very strange and in some respects foreign to the american experience type of philosophy. >> stephen: yeah, he just-- he just seems foreign. and i couldn't figure out why, you know. maybe it was his weird middle name or his foreign dad or the fact that obama has a different... you know... ( laughter ) way of moving his hand in front of his face. but now, thanks to the romney campaign, i think i've figured it out. you see, today, mitt is embarking on a worldwide tour of three countries. he packed his bags, got his shots, and strapped his dog to the roof of his jet. ( applause ) now, mitt's first stop is london to solvage america's speci
. good to have you with us. please have a seat. folks, i have to tell you, after a greeting like that i just wish it was legal to grind you up and snort you. (laughter) before we begin right off the top i want to thank my guest vikram gandhi for being here tonight. he's starring in the new documentary "kumare: the true story of a flase prophet." he's already one of my favorite guests-- because he showed up. (laughter) unlike mike tyson who was supposed to be here to talk about his one-man broadway show but canceled this morning because-- and i want to make sure i get this right-- he is a huge pussy. (laughter) (cheers and applause) that's right. i challenge mike tyson to an interview and he forfeited because he's too scared to face me i get it. i've only got one good ear, and that takes away your best move. (laughter) so nation, i believe this knockout ka-pang by know show now makes me officially the reverend sir dr. steven p. mos def colbert d.f.a.. (echoing) heavyweight champ-een of the world. (cheers and applause) right? (cheers and applause) i assume the belt's in the mail, mike. bu
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 58 (some duplicates have been removed)

Terms of Use (10 Mar 2001)